Healing Connections

When many of us begin therapy for the first time, we are unaware of what exactly we are looking for and needing from the process, as well as what to even expect. A crucial part of therapy is developing self-awareness, especially to the ways in which we successfully cope with difficult emotions. For some, this may be having difficult conversations to discuss hurt feelings, for others, this can be learning more about their feelings and the pervasive impacts of mental health. Regardless of how one heals and what they are healing from, connection is essential; connection in the form of relationships, connecting current behavior to past experiences, connecting how one feels to a concrete concept, it does not matter. Human connection is vital to our experience and often times, emotional and mental connections are supportive in healing broken connections.

Humans are not solitary creatures. We survive only as a result of our relationships. Consider an infant, for example. If it weren’t for the connection an infant makes with their caregivers, that infant would not survive. This holds true all throughout our childhood and the rest of our lives, though the role the connection plays looks differently at different points in time. As an infant and young child, we are dependent on our connections, but as we grow older and gain more independence, we learn to use our connections for emotional safety and validation. An adolescent would not die from a lack of friendships, but that adolescent will struggle in several ways, including academically, mentally, and emotionally. Research has shown that adults without connections live shorter lives than those surrounded by friends and family. But what happens when the relationships that we are engaged in are not fulfilling and do not meet our needs? This is where emotional and concrete connections may be helpful.

I know many people in my life from all different backgrounds who have troubled relationships with parents and siblings (I am willing to bet that you do, too). Many times, people talk about wanting to cut off these people and move on, but it is not that simple. It can be heart wrenching to watch someone time and time again try to repair a broken relationship with a family member and be rejected. When this becomes the pattern, I encourage my clients to look deeper within themselves to start making connections. For instance, what are your expectations for a parent that you are projecting? Where were these expectations modeled? Many people develop expectations from watching television and movies or seeing something modeled at a friend’s home. Making these connections to understand that, “I always wanted my dad to be like Danny Tanner, but that he is not that warm of a caregiver” can be very healing. We don’t mean harm when we develop and project these expectations, but we are harming ourselves more than anyone. This is why it is so important to make these connections within yourself, so you are able to heal what it is that is hurting you from within.

Not all mental and emotional connections are based in relationships. Sometimes we have quirks or behaviors that we are unhappy with and would like to better understand to change. Several of my clients and I find that we cope and heal better when we understand the logic of the situation, if there is any. For instance, when someone has depression, it can be helpful to understand the symptoms of it, so you can make connections between what you’re feeling and what is to be expected for someone with depression. Many people do not realize that morbid thoughts (thoughts about death and dying, not ending one’s own life) are fairly common with major depressive disorder – it is actually one of the diagnostic criteria for it. If one learns that during a depressive episode, it is common to think more about death and dying, they can make that connection if those thoughts occur, so they do not feel ashamed or concerned about their symptoms.

Connection is a vital and necessary part of our human experience from the relationships we form, to the cognitive understandings that we are able to make. Connections deepen our understanding of ourselves, which helps us to better manage our reactions and difficult emotions in situation where we are feeling strong emotions. There are several ways to create these connections and understandings of yourself, whether or not you are in therapy, though therapy is always helpful. Journaling can be a fantastic way to start. When journaling, try to reflect on moments where you had strong reactions and try to connect this to earlier times in your life. Allow your mind and pen to flow freely, without judgement or over analyzing what is being said – both of those can hinder your connection to yourself. Meditation is another way to deepen connections with yourself. There are plenty of guided meditations for free on YouTube. I recommend starting with shorter ones and building up to longer videos as you develop your ability to meditate. Try finding meditations that guide you to within yourself and, again, remove your judgements of yourself and the process that is occurring. Lastly, talking can be a great way to develop connection with yourself. Many of us are verbal processors, so finding a safe person, such as a spouse, friend, or therapist, whom we can process our vulnerable emotions and thoughts with can be helpful as well.