With the holidays coming up, now is a great time to start reflecting on your boundaries with your family and how to set and maintain them throughout the holiday season. Many of us engage in holiday activities that we do not want to, purely out of obligation. I am here to tell you that you can stop that behavior and, yes, still be a good daughter/son/niece/grandson, etc. I know we often hear that "it's tradition" or "this is how it's always been done", but that does not mean that we need to completely ignore our own feelings to satisfy those around us.
This may all sound overwhelming, so let's have you start by closing your eyes, taking a few deep breaths, and then start to think about your plans for the upcoming holidays - start with just one - and start to just notice what happens in your body as you think of it. Do you tense up from stress? Do your thoughts start to race? Is your heart rate increasing? Are you smiling out of joy and excitement? This can give you some insight into how you're feeling. For most of us, the holidays usually do mean some increased stress and traveling, but it shouldn't be something that is causing overwhelming stress or anxiety, but if you don't find any joy in attending a gathering then maybe it's time to reconsider going.
Calmly communicate where you are at and try not to focus on the behavior of others, but focus on your feelings and experiences
If you are starting to reconsider your holiday plans, remember that this is not permanent. Maybe this year has been extra stressful for you and you want the time off from work to just relax at home - that is more than okay! This doesn't mean it has to be your new tradition or that you will never spend the holidays with your family again, but maybe this year you just need some time to decompress and I totally support you in that. I would encourage you to calmly communicate with your family where you are at, or just express that you're unable to make it work this year and that you are sorry and leave it at that; you do not owe an explanation if you do not want to provide one.
Some of you reading are maybe worried about family dynamics, drama, and toxic family members more so than just the stress of travel and expense. This may require some deeper reflection and support in deciding what boundaries are best for you and how to implement those with your family. When you closed your eyes and were reflecting on your holidays, what did you see happening? If the holidays are a time of high conflict in your family and you do not want to continue to be a part of it, that is completely valid. You also don't have to decide on forever right now, only on what you are doing this year. Maybe this is the year you set your boundary and don't attend due to this toxicity. If your extended family is toxic and you still want to see your nuclear family, you could try talking to some trusted family members and see if you can celebrate on your own this year as a family unit. Calmly communicate where you are at and try not to focus on the behavior of others, but focus on your feelings and experiences - we don't want to cast blame. This could be a really great time to practice "I-statements".
Setting boundaries may be especially difficult for some and depending on the toxicity of your family, you may need the support of a spouse, friend, or even a therapist to manage these conversations and boundaries. If I-statements and boundaries are foreign words to you, then I would encourage you to seek the help of a therapist to learn some skills to help you navigate these situations. It could also be helpful to reprocess some family trauma before stepping into the holidays to help you stay present and mindful throughout the day.
What do the holidays mean to you? To me, the holidays are a time of joy and I don't want to lose that joy in the stress. I prioritize what is important to me for each holiday, such as decorating my home and tree (yes, I usually start on November 1!), enjoying a big, over the top, indulgent meal, and baking! If I can find time to experience this joy, then I feel less bothered by the stress of travel and everything else, but if I can't do the things that matter to me, then I don't feel as satisfied throughout the holiday season. I would encourage you to reflect on what the holidays mean to you and what brings you joy from this time of year and use that to guide your boundaries. If watching your children open their gifts and play with their new toys all morning is what the season is about for you, then that should be your priority. Maybe the holidays are for staying in your pajamas all day and watching holiday movies! Whatever it is, that can be your priority! You are entitled to your joy and to celebrate holidays for yourself!